[.ca] The Dance of Deception CD: Pretending and Truth-Telling ... (ISBN 0060726644)

A little circular, yes. But somewhat helpful.:
Wow. I consider myself to be a truthful, honest person. I hate liars and hypocrites more than I hate anything else in the world. So I had to take a really deep breath and really THINK when I finally woke up to the idea that truth and honesty are not always what they should be. I took a good, long, ugly look at myself and realized that I use truth as a weapon, rather than as a tool. I am not always honest with people because I want to create a better relationship. I am sometimes honest just to be hurtful, to shock people, or to get attention away from whoever is monopolizing the conversation at the moment. Hm. Ugly! The problematic relationship (s) in my life are like cans. I can pick up a big ol' truth-sledgehammer and knock the heck out of that can, or I can use truth gently, like a can opener and let that can open up and get to what's inside. One option gives me the satisfaction of 'letting so and so have it' because I'm darn tired of biting my tongue and pretending that things are OK when they're NOT. And the other option lets me be honest, but gives the other person (the can) the chance of telling truth back to me, too. The feminist rhetoric falls short, as it always does with me. If you don't want to hang out in the kitchen and pop out babies, for heaven's sake, DON'T. But don't blame men if that's what you decide to do with your life and then change your mind later. Don't you think men change their minds about wanting to be married daddies sometimes, too? There is too much blaming going on. People need to own their lives. If you know your situation is messed up, you know enough to change it. Also, the whole thing about minorities and tokens rings very false when Lerner presents the statistic in her final chapter that women actually outnumber men in the world. So, hello? How can we consider to whine and consider ourselves a token or a minority when we are numerically superior? I don't really get that at all. Anyway. 4 stars. It's an eye-opener!

Terrific book:
I think this is Harriet Lerner's best book. I has the clearest and most helpful chapter on family secrets that I've ever read. The chapter called "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Orifice" is worth the price of the book. The chapter on affairs, even though controversial, should be helpful to all couples, especially if you think your partner will never cheat on you.

Clarity and Courage:
Harriet Lerner has long been writing books that are both insightful and accessible. In 'The Dance of Deception' she has achieved something miraculous: she has written a book that can help you reconnect with estranged family members and friends, improve your rapport with your children, no matter their age, and, perhaps most importantly, help alleviate the pain that deception has caused you in your own life. I have suffered greatly because of family secrets and have also struggled recently to communicate with my loved ones about painful topics. This book has served as an indispensable guide through these difficult processes and has helped me emerge a stronger, happier person. I am greatly indebted to Harriet Lerner. And I firmly believe the world is a better place for having her in it!!

How to get courage!:
I couldn't stop reading this book. It gave me the courage to speak out to my family about a lot of difficult issues and to do it in a way that really worked. I love the author's honesty and how clear she is about very complicated questions of speaking out or being silent.

Disappointed:
After reading The Dance of Anger, I was charged with energy to change patterns in relationships that I had fallen into. I thought this book would have a similar effect, because I know that I hide things that seem too painful to discuss. However, I couldn't get into it because it seemed more of a political agenda than a guide to improving relationships. What on earth does the author's stance on abortions (very pro-choice) have to do with deception in personal relationships? I haven't gotten much constructive self-knowledge out of this book.