[.ca] You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation (ISBN 0060959622)

Made me think, but missed the mark.:
The main thing that I give the book credit for is that it made me think about things that I do as a man and try to come up with my own explanations for my behavior, since hers clearly didn't resonate with me. I like to think of myself as "not a typical guy"; most of my women friends would agree. Yet I did recognize my own behavior in some of Tannen's examples. However, when she went on to explain why men do these things, it made me ponder my childhood relationships with other boys and, well, it wasn't anything like what she said. To be sure, there are boys/men who see the world in the binary one-up/one-down way that she describes. We've all met "super-alpha" men like this: the proverbial high-pressure salesman... the man who, upon entering a room where people are conversing, instantly creates a crowd. This isn't the way most boys/men are; some, certainly, but not most. Also, the assumption that men are universally combative is incorrect. I think a more accurate picture of most boys growing up is that we find ourselves unwillingly placed into competition by bullies/super-alpha boys. I found myself picked on or challenged constantly in my childhood, when, all I really wanted was just to get along with everybody and not have people hassle me. I think most guys would nod their heads with me on this one. This, for me, is a much better explanation why men see people as challenging them where women do not, as men are hypersensitive to such challenges... and if you failed to rise to the challenge, you were humiliated by the bully's gang in front of your peers. Boys too wanted to be accepted by their peers, and thrived on community. This explains the popularity of team sports among men. Some of the best memories of our childhood were our bonding with our teams for the unified purpose of winning a game. Another point completely missing in her theory was the fact that, from a very early age, boys are "taught" not to show vulnerable feelings. Doesn't matter how enlightened your parents were. Unless you grew up in a vacuum, your peers would be sure to teach you that. This would explain why men relate to each other without actually ever talking about themselves or their deep feelings, but rather like to keep topics to common interests (most of the time). Likewise, in male-female relationships, women are just as likely to be controlling as men. Women take different approaches to control, as brute force doesn't usually work for them. The idea that every woman just tries to get along flies in the face of the facts in some of my less successful relationships; I tend to be conflict-averse (a trait she attributes universally to women). I have infuriated some past partners who found "verbal sparring" a meaningful form of engagement (a trait Tannen attributes universally to men). Anyway, she came up with some interesting observations that, I think, are universal to most men from super-alpha to enlightened/sensitive men, then used an "all men aspire to be super-alpha males" approach to try to explain them; and the converse seems to be true of her approach to explaining female behavior as well.

You Just Don't Understand:
After reading this book I realized how it relates to my daily life and conversations. I agree with what Tannen says, females talk with their friends more intimately than males do. Female friends talk to each other about how they feel while males talk about topics such as sports and don't say as much. When male and female friends talk together there are many differences. Tannen makes very good points about why people act the way that they do. It was interesting to learn some of the reasons that people speak and listen the way that they do. I now know why men and women often misunderstand each other. Even though I am a teenager I still feel that I can relate to this book and what it discusses.

Think Before You Speak:
Wow! This book is an eye opener not only for communication at work but in personal relationships as well. A worthwhile read for any man who has wondered just what he said wrong and for any woman who finds herself puzzled by the men who just don't "get it." Take the lessons to heart and your life will be running more smoothly in no time. Also check out Rat Race Relaxer: Your Potential & The Maze of Life by JoAnna Carey to help you communicate what you want in return for running the rat race.

Required Reading for Everyone!!!!!:
Deborah Tannen has earned the Honor of having "You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation" placed along side the ONLY other book that I currently own. The other book is "The Elements of Style"; by Strunk & White. Don't get me wrong; I read incessantly, but rarely keep any of the books that I purchase or borrow. I believe the two (2) books referenced above should be required reading for every American. Period! I won't pretend to know what age would be approriate or most effective for Ms. Tannen's book, but it certainly would go a long way in solving many of today's communication problems between ALL people. I primarily base my opinion of this book on: 1)my having read it, and 2)my having learned the hard way what this book lays out for you in plain English. I managed a team of 12 Finance professionals in NYC for 10+ years; consisting of men & woman of various ages, nationalities, and religions. In time, I learned how to effectively manage such a diverse group by gaining an undrstanding of how each person interelated with everyone else. I HIGHLY recommend this book!

Family Issues Being Broke Down:
Communication is the greatest aspect to a good relationship. Without communication, a relationship can lack are understanding, feelings, and where a person may stand in life...towards the other person. Nevertheless, where does communication falls when it comes to family. Take for instance your oldest son has a dream he wants to pursue. With this, he feels he is confident about himself, and sure that he is capable of achieving this goal. On the other hand, you know your child is incompetent of doing this because he lacks the talent. Now you have to choose between telling the truth... letting facts be known or keeping quiet... letting him engage on this dream. Let us think about this; is it all right to lye to a person to save their feelings knowing in the end things will fall apart? Alternatively, is it ok to tell the truth in the beginning to save them from embarrassment and humiliation in the end? Many different scenarios can take place in a family were communication becomes a problem. Whether it is telling the truth to: save embarrassment, family gossiping, family secrets, control, etc. The list of the scenarios goes on and on. However, all confrontation comes about for two reasons. One reason is one person does not know what are the message given is, but went towards the metamessage, and explodes. I know your wondering what message and metamessage are. Well, "message is the meaning of the words and sentences spoken, what everyone with a dictionary and a grammar book could figure out. Metamessage is not said- at least not in so many words- but that we garner from every aspect of context." Take this into prime example and see whether you can figure out what is the message, and the metamessage are. "Do you really need another piece of cake? Donna asks George. You bet I do, he replies, with that edge to his voice that implies, If I wasn't sure I needed it before, I am darned sure now." Now sit and think about these for a moment... ok times up. Now, can you figure out what is the message and the metamessage are? Here is the answer, the message from Donna (the sender) was she said those words because she loves George and cares about what he eats, especially when she knows it is going to hurt him. The metamessage that George (the receiver) got was her trying to tell him what he can eat, or how much of something he can eat. However, that is not the case. Based on the definitions of message and metamessage, Donna had her reasons for saying what she said, but because George was so quick to react, he missed the whole point of her stating do you need another piece. The second reason is connection and control. "A grown daughter who is offended when her mother tells her how to improve the decoration of her home..." This is a great example of connection and control, because the mother is simply doing what she does best- giving advice. In the eyes of the daughter, it is different because the daughter felt that her mother was trying to tell her how to decorate her home. In contrast, the mother was trying to connect with her, by helping her out, and giving some decorative advice that can make her home feel more comfortable. This example helps explain this because connection and control is all about describing the forces that drive all our conversations- how we use talk to get closer to each other or put distance between us; how the words help us gain dominance or show respect. Tannen gives numerous examples on explaining connections and control, and how so many families stop communicating because of this "I Only Say This Because I Love You" by Deborah Tannen, gives excellent examples of message and metamessage throughout her book. The book even includes the example above. Tannen gives live examples as to why talking to family can be so painful and problematic when we are all adults, with family its learning how to separate word meaning, message, from heart meaning, metamessage. With an understanding between the two, fighting amongst family members and separation would seize and desist. Even if you people talking can learn how to derive criticism (control) from giving advice (connection) problems will eventually stop. Therefore, by understanding the two concepts you are fully capable of correcting any miscommunication that comes about, by talking without hurting each other but comforting on another. Thus, coming to situations where you have to tell someone the truth, if it is going to save them hurt and embarrassment in the end, it is ok to do. Simply make sure that the message is clear, and point out the facts that you are not trying to criticize or control what they do in their life. You are simply giving advice that might make a difference in the end.