[.ca] The Normal One: Life with a Difficult or Damaged Sibling (ISBN 0385337566)

I have been waiting for this book all my life.:
I agree with the author, on the basis of my own experience, that the normal sibling must have ingrained resistance to the idea that he or she could have suffered deeply or even at all, because I imagine that suffering is to any normal sibling a judgment we no longer have the capacity to make without comparison to the other -- because suffering, for us, conjures the experience not of self but of the retarded, sick, or otherwise incapacitated sibling. This problem may be inescapable, and although this is maybe presumptuous, I do believe this might account for some of the negative reviews here. The point of the book is not to say whose experience was "worse." It is to describe an experience that is little acknowledged and generally unwanted. The impulse these readers had to pick up this book is not consistent with their statements that they didn't really get hurt. Why are they reading this self-help book at all? A few of these reviews smack of an all-too-familiar sanctimoniousness, a defensiveness of the experience of the abnormal sibling against the author and the world in general. (One reader refers to Safer's "bourgeoise Jewish" childhood and talks of herself as a "Christian" with "Christian values" -- yikes!). When I first started reading this book, I was shocked that the author could talk about her brother in such bald, bold terms. But as I read further, I felt relieved that she did and realized that I needed to do so to heal. She is also full of tremendous compassion for the brother and all the other abnormal siblings, but as she says, they have their advocates. Safer tells what it's like to be in the "normal" position, with all the slings and arrows of daily life (and I mean all arrows, not just those that come from living with the abnormal sibling) and the pain they inflict constantly deflected because, after all, they could not possibly be as bad as anything suffered by the problem sibling. As a writer, I once wrote a short story based on my own experience and told it from the viewpoint of the normal one, a girl who struggled between wanting her own life and not wanting to abandon her retarded sister. A friend and colleague disliked the story, saying it wasn't an interesting viewpoint -- I should have told the story "from the viewpoint of the one who REALLY suffered." I thank Ms. Safer for unearthing a little-heard, little-valued, little-loved, and little-understood voice that I have been told to quiet for a lifetime. Her book has freed much of the suppressed reality of my own experience -- while showing me that this reality can coexist with the very real suffering my own sister no doubt experienced as well.

I wish there were more books like this:
This book fills a gap in the absence of texts relating to the relationship between mentally disabled and "normal" siblings. I have never seen any books besides this one that relates to my life with my highly disabled brother. Let me say that this book shows that relationships are not always happy or healthy or ones can ever be perfected. It openly demonstrates the anger, pain, shame or even ambivalence that families with MD people may feel. I personally felt that this book was cathartic, it allowed me to finally feel the anger and raw disdain that I have for my brother. I always felt guilty about it, and felt that I was the only person that had these feelings. Reading this book made me burst into tears because I finally had seen that other people had the same anger and confusion about their relatives that I feel. There is a habit for some people without MD people in their lives, to make them all good or happy with their families that rise to meet "challenges" they present. This is total fantasy in some cases and totally stereotypes our familial experiences Yes, there can be happy positive moments with MD people, but many times it produces a profoundly negative family life. I don't think that should be ignored or insulting the author because she admits that it's a reality. If you have had a MD sibling and have seen the problems that it creates in your family, then you should read this book. It is an honest account of what some people feel and how it affects their lives. Although this is an important and unique book, it does not present many viable options on how to resolve these conflicts. The book would have been much, much better if it would have had more resources to pull from. I hope that another book like this one can fill such a need. Also, it could have gone without the references to the Tempest, which didn't seem to add to the text.

Psychology of siblings:
I've met lots of people who felt detached from their siblings. One Army captain, assigned to the Military Police, told me he never sees his brothers because they're in jail or on welfare. A quiet librarian can't relate to his brother, an outgoing car salesman. But this book is not about dealing with the merely dysfunctional sibling -- the sister who ran off and got pregnant and hits you up for money or the brother who disapproves of your lifestyle. This book deals with really serious mental illness in families. As the author claims, often family live centers on the damaged child, while the "normal" sibling gets ignored. Safer's major contribution is to show the way sibling relationships pervade our lives, even unconsciously. A woman feels guilty when she experiences success, while her sibling begs in front of the church they used to attend as children. The siblings always exist in shadows. And Safer also tells us how little research has been conducted on sibling relationships. Even as a therapist, she had to carve her own path with few guidelines. While I usually enjoy books with many narrative tales, I began to get a sense of repetition as I read this one. People felt guilty. They wondered how much they had to give. Often they felt relief when they gave up. As other reviewers pointed out, Safer offers few stories of successful sibling relationships. Mothers write proudly of their experiences with disabled children. Read, for instance, Martha Beck's book, Expecting Adam. Perhaps some children look back with gratitude on their experiences of growing up with a disabled sibling. In the movie, There's Something About Mary, the heroine visits her disabled brother on a regular basis. Is that realistic? Then again, a parent chooses to have a child, and parents have the maturity and experience to gain perspective. A good book, which raises our awareness of a common concern that's poorly understood.

Interesting:
This was a fascinating book. It sheds light on a family situation far too often ignored--the needs of the healthy sibling submerged in the all-engrossing task of taking care of a mentally ill or emotionally disordered sibling. It is true that a child who grows up in a such a family, whose needs and hopes and successes are never quite as important to his or her parents as the needs and small successes of the damaged child will feel the repercussions for the rest of his or her life. I had only two problems with this book. First, it's not always like that. It would have been nice to have some functional family portraits, so that parents with both normal and disabled children can learn what works as well as what doesn't. In my own family, I have two normal brothers and a normal sister, all highly intelligent and successful. I am normal and in college. My other brother is emotionally disturbed and struggles both in school and in personal relationships. For a long time, my other siblings and I resented "what he had done to the family" but the fact is, he can't help it. And we have come to terms with his disorder, and even found him to be enjoyable if you are patient enough to sift through the layers of fear and anger. Frankly we have banded together as siblings over his illness, but it took time, and most of it was due to our parents, who balanced his needs against our perfectly understandable resentment, anger, and misunderstanding. They never rebuked us for how we felt, only explained to us the truth of my brother's problems, and were always available to talk to us when we needed to vent. My brother HAS a problem, he's not a problem. So I think if families were aware of what the normal one was thinking, they could help their normal children more, and help them to work through their resentment and guilt. Second, I think the author should have finished her dealing with her own childhood to a degree before undertaking to write this book. I don't know whether she meant it to be objective, but it really wasn't. It read more like a catharsis than a study. Overall, though, a long-overdue acknowledgement of the mental anguish of those whose siblings are damaged, disordered, or ill. To all who still feel resentment toward their troubled siblings, please seek help. I hope you find a therapist who will listen to you. I'm not saying that to be mean or rude, I'm saying it because I see a lot of it in the reviews, and to resent someone only allows them to control you and prevents you from living your life fully. Good luck and God Bless!

Far From Safe or Loving:
Dr. Safer, the ironically named author describes her life with her parents and brother and the fraternal relationship portrayed herein sounds anything but safe or loving. Her older brother Stephen is treated like a pariah in the family. He is moved into separate quarters within the house and is relegated to skeleton in the closet status. Despite his academic and musical successes, he is not even fully recognized or acknowledged by his own family. It sounds as if the family was conditioned to react negatively to Stephen regardless of what he said or did. Even his musical prowess went largely unappreciated by them. Dr. Safer on the other hand is indulged to the point of excess. It is only in later years, long after she has established her career that she even admits she has a brother named Stephen. It is good that a chapter was devoted to Stephen; it was long past time he was given his turn at bat. The way Stephen was treated and the way Dr. Safer was favored turned my stomach. This book is an eye opener in how not to treat others.