[.ca] His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage (ISBN 0800717880)

Great book with a few flaws.:
First of all, i have to say that i think that this is a great book. It gives a good overview of what men and women TEND to be looking for in a relationship. In reading the previous reviews i found it funny seeing the criticisms of two women who seem to see this book as women bashing, since as a guy i had issues with this book seeming to be male bashing... First of all, in response to the previous attacks on the book all i can say is that while women TEND to be more relationship focused thus communication, affection, etc. TEND to be what they are looking for in a man. Thus since guys TEND not to as relationship focused, what a woman sees as defining a person is not necessarily what a man sees. I could criticize women and say all women want is a robot with skin that will talk to her, agree with her, and touch her. That would be just as narrow and unrealistic as some of the comments made previously. It takes character to be the kind of woman a man is looking for. I certainly wouldn't have wanted to marry a selfish, overbearing woman who didn't care how she looked, wasn't interested in having fun with me, and expected me to be perfect 100% of the time and in all ways before she was willing to be intimate with me. Yet that seems to be the picture that comes to mind when taking these needs to an extreme. Ultimately i believe that Harley has a clearly credible case for both sides and i would gladly pass this book on. However as with many books in this genre it is rather narrowly focused. It doesn't discuss what communication is how to deal with it when it is broken down, or any of a hundred different topics important for a healthy marriage. Then again, it has to be that way to keep from being 2000 pages and losing it's focus instead of 200 and clear. My biggest concern with this book is what seems to be the male bashing. In reading the first five needs discussed it always seems to be the man's fault that the need is not being met. The man isn't affectionate enough with his wife, it's all his fault. The man's need for sexual intimacy... well, if men were fulfilling their wife's need for affection then this wouldn't be a problem thus it's all his fault. Communication... men you need to communicate more with your wife. You need to drop everything else to make sure that you are talking to her 24hours a day. Recreational companionship... It's all your fault men, you need to stop doing what you enjoy if your wife doesn't enjoy it. Thus all sports should be banned unless your wife likes them too. In those first four chapters Harley goes up one side of the man and down the other blaming him for all of the problems and not once mentions that maybe the woman needs to make changes such as, stoping spending so much time on the phone with her sister/mother/friend (her recreational interests) and spend it with him doing things they both enjoy instead. Or maybe that if the wife took some real interest in their sexual relationship instead of getting annoyed that her husband actually finds her sexually attractive or having an attitude of "I'm doing this because i'm supposed to so i'm just going to bear through it", then maybe she would find that he is more affectionate with her. The relationship works two ways, and yet it seems like Harley focuses a whole lot more on the guys being at fault for things than the women. That's not to say that he doesn't ever focus on the women, as is evident in the chapter on physical attraction (this chapter i have a great many issues with what Harley says), but overall the blame seems to be placed much more on the man than on the woman. Like i said before. This is a great book. I would and have recommended it on many occasions, but always with reservations and stating that i don't agree with everything Harley says.

This is possibly the most depressing book I've ever read:
OK, spoiler alert: The top things a woman needs from her husband are affection, conversation, honesty, financial support, and commitment to family. The "financial support" thing may make you men feel a little used, but the rest of it is all human qualities--an affectionate, honest, committed man. A man's needs? Sex, recreation, an attractive wife, "domestic support", and admiration. None of these qualities have anything to do with the person behind them. I love my husband for the affectionate, honest, committed man that he is, and it would be nice to believe that he loves me for the kind of person that I am and the qualities that I have. But no--according to Dr. Harley, he'd be just as happy (if not happier!) with a hooker who cleaned his house and watched football with him! So when a woman looks to improve her marriage, should she work on becoming a more affectionate, honest, committed, intelligent, funny, generous, faithful, all-around good human being? Nope, don't waste your time! Rent some porn videos, get liposuction (because Dr. Harley seems convinced that no man could ever possibly love a woman with cellulite--better become anorexic, just to be on the safe side!), wash the windows, study up on the designated hitter rule, and simper a lot--Congratulations, you're every man's dream woman! Every man who can't handle a relationship with a complete human being and would prefer an animated blow-up doll, that is. I hope my husband isn't the only man who doesn't fit the above description. Sadly, this book would indicate that perhaps he is.

MUST TO BUILD A GREAT RELATION WITH YOUR SPOUSE:
This book changed the way I though about my relation with my spouse. I did not know the basic needs of my coople. While I was reading the book I feeled that that the autor was talking about my life. After few months, I understood and took care of the 5 basic needs of my wife. Our relation has grow to a point where know it is beter than 14 years ago when I got married. This book it is not magic, it needs your commitment to build a great relation and pay the price for the mistakes that you have make before. You commitment of loving your coople and being patient while feelings are restored are essential to rebuild a great relation with your couple!!!

Wow:
I have read this with my husband while going through hardships in our relationship. We used the book like a study. He was turned off at first because the first chapters talk about affairs.. touchy subject for some and convicting for others. I believe this is because the author is really trying to get the reader to understand how affairs happen. I liked best that Mr. Harley helped me explain to my husband my needs.. I always felt exactly what he was saying..just didn't know how to put it into words... that sorta got lost somewhere over the years while I was becoming numb. My husband got to understand what I was missing to be able to fully give to him. I know.. common communication right? Well I am sure some of the best communicators out there could end up right where we were. From the book I got to have my feelings heard and understood at the same time understand my husbands needs. Men and Women are sooo different and this I believe is what the author is teaching us. I don't see this book as women bashing nor man bashing... Yes he does give it to you as it is and quit boldly. If you are the sensitive type then keep this piece in mind.. Mr. Harley is not siding with the man nor the woman... he is just telling it like it is. I can see how some may feel that.. read the book to the end. Remember marriages don't fall apart overnight.. it does take sometime to build up again. A note to the men who read this.. yes the author does talk about "her needs" first, but he will explain why.. be patient you chose to read this for a reason focus on that. A note to the women who read this.. Yes the author does list "his needs" and that may sound sexist.. the truth is.. that is what makes a man tick ~ feel worth while as a human being. I don't believe the author is asking you to be barefoot, pregnant and his mother.. once you understand what makes your partner go round you will better understand him. Be patient you choose to read this book for a reason.. focus on that. =)

A great book if you want a Stepford Wife:
I'd actually give it 0 stars if the settings allowed me. The reader from New York said it was depressing. I'm going to go farther and say it was disgusting, disconcerting, and downright disturbing. It's always sad to see that anyone can get a psych degree and write a book and dish out advice. Even sadder, it the largest readership is probably women for this book, because we often take on the responsibility of "saving" our marriages as if it is all our fault if things go wrong. At some point this culture will stop manufacturing masochistic women, and cold, sadistic men who essentially want a woman like dear old mom (cook, clean, heap adulation, stroke egos), and are not at all bothered by the fact that that would mean that they would indeed like to have sex with a woman something like their mothers. Ick! The reader from New York pretty much said it all for me. But I will say this...This writer is insane if he thinks he's dishing out helpful advice. He is essentially trying to keep everything status quo--just the way the guys like it--no change--ever. Change and growth and increased awareness would require work. This book sends relationships back 30,000 years. If there are any women out there that take this book seriously, you are indeed insane as well. Stop placating your partner for affection. Stand up, leave, and fight for your right to be treated like you're human, not an idea, an image, or a fantasy.