Broken: Making Sense of Life After Your Parents Divorce (ISBN 1576836533)

Broken After Divorce:
Tim Baker, Broken: Making Sense of Life After Your Parents' Divorce. Colorado Springs, CO: THINK, 2006. "No one seems to want broken things." In reality broken things end up in the trash. If they are broken they cease to serve the purpose for which they were created. Divorce creates broken people. As Baker writes, "It sucks being broken, like that thing that can't be fixed, like that thing no one wants. No one wants a broken thing. Sometimes it feels like no one wants a broken me" (Broken, 12). Yet, even though divorce breaks us we don't have to continue broken and worthless. While others discard us (namely our parent or parents) there is Christ who is ready to begin reshaping and recreating us. He mends the broken. Baker has written this book for broken Adult Children of Divorce (ACOD). For beginning our journey toward restoration Baker begins with our story. We know it all too well for it often haunts us at the worst of times and the best of times. The memories from our parents divorce are engraved into our minds. We will never loose them because those memories have shaped our very identity. Our memories of hurt transform us into hurting people. But we begin with our memories and our story with the purpose of offering up those memories and tattered pages of our lives to the one true God who alone is capable of transforming them for our good and his glory. Rejection is probably the greatest agony and result of divorce. Those who were supposed to love you stopped loving you. More than that, they actually rejected you. The ones who were supposed to pour out compassion and love toward us became cold, distance and unloving. Baker hits it on the head when he writes, "If we weren't enough for you, we feel like we'll never be enough for anyone. We're going to constantly search for meaning because we meant so little to you. We're going to constantly feel like second-class people because we were not first class to you" (Broken, 48). We want to matter, we want to be loved, but when we become children of divorce we ceased to be loved and cherished. Instead, we become broken and angry. Divorce changes our perception of who we really are. See, our family defines us in many ways but when our family changes so do we. Therefore, "being the person after divorce means that you have to constantly remind yourself of your real identity. You have to tell yourself the truth about you" (Broken, 55). Unfortunately, Baker doesn't really spend the time to flesh out who we are in Christ for those who believe. Little if any time is spent discussing the benefits of our salvation and how they relate to our encouragement and perseverance through the struggles of divorce. Being an ACOD our very social structures are altered and confused. Our relationship with God is often negatively affected as we view our heavenly Father through the cloudy lens of our earthly father. Also many people do not know how to react to us and Baker uses the illustration of scabies to show that children whose parents have divorced are like those children on the playground who have scabies - alone and friendless. "Divorce created a me in exile" (Broken, 92). ACOD desperately seek community because their childhood community was disrupted, the world as they knew it was shattered and decimated. Herein lies the importance of the Church. The Church is the community of broken people. Church (reflecting the biblical understanding of Church) is the instrument through where healing takes place. Existing in a biblical community should help begin to reshape and restore the broken images of God, family and friends. Unfortunately, Baker correctly recognizes that Church is full of broken people and therefore limited in its potential accomplishments toward the healing of an ACOD. Baker admits bitterness toward the church (p. 116) and sadly his view of how the beautiful Bride of Christ is too function is warped at best. Nonetheless, he is fair in some of his criticisms especially when he argues that the church has really failed to minister and care for the emotional and spiritual needs to children of divorce. He does rightly recognize the limits of the Church: "Church is intended to be the expression of God's saving love in the world. It is an imperfect reflection of God" (Broken, 116). Interestingly, in the next chapter Baker argues for the necessity of mentors and godly influences in our lives (p. 126). Is this not to be the function of the church? This is where the Church does need to pick up the ball and get rolling. Sadly, to this date I personally have seen very little work and effort on behalf of the churches we have been involved in with regard to caring for those ravaged by the tragedy of divorce. Baker's chapter on healing basically says that we need Jesus, but he doesn't really articulate why and how? Why is it important for us to need Jesus and what can he do for us and why can he do it? Instead of explorer those penetrating issues Baker simply says that we need to meet the kid within us, you know the one who never grew up because of the divorce! Uh, okay. Hmm. And we need to cry and talk and write. Baker does have a good chapter on understanding stories. There are a few different stories we need to understand as we journey toward healing from divorce. First, we need to understand our story of God. How have we learned about God and where our understanding of God came from. Second, we need to see the story of ourselves. How has our identity been shaped through our life? Third, we must come to grips with the story of reality. How did we come to learn about and understand reality? Last, what is the story of our family? Basically, how has our family and the tearing asunder of our family shaped, distorted, and destroyed our identity? It is here in this chapter on stories where Baker misses probably what is his greatest point of presenting hope in all its glory and power. While he includes the story of how we view God he really fails to feather out the story of God. He fails to tell us how the Word of God is to be a new transforming and shaping factor which will powerfully conform our thinking of God, self, and others into the biblical pattern. Our identity and self worth as Christians are to be shaped according to the Word of God and based upon the grace of Jesus Christ in bringing damned sinners to eternal salvation. Our story is to be Christ's story. We are united with him and therefore we share his death, burial and resurrection. We are partakers of hope because of Christ and our story is being re-written as our minds are being transformed by the Word of the Lord and the saving Gospel of Jesus Christ. This point is essential and I believe it is the greatest weakness in this book. The main story we must focus on is the truth of God so loving the world that he sent his one and only Son. Christ Jesus died for sinners and for those who place their trust in him there is hope and life in-spite of the most difficult and life shattering circumstances. But we must be faithful in allowing the Word of God to transform and shape our minds. Baker and most other books on divorce tend to make God into their own image. No doubt this is unintentional but it is nonetheless true. Instead of allowing the Word to provide their perspective on God as Father they usually copy their hopes and desires of what their earthly father should be and then they place those attributes onto God. Throughout, Baker find solace in returning to the metaphor of resting or cuddling with God in his lap (pp. 29, 41, 68-69, 163) and even worse needing a smooch from God and five minutes on his lap (141)! Writing like this is first of all not how the Bible portrays God's care for us and secondly it is just downright nauseating. The holy God of Scripture does care for his people, but he loves them primarily through the death of his Son on a cruel cross and also through the ministry of the Holy Spirit. I think such metaphorical usage by Baker reflects a textual abuse of the story of the Prodigal Son. While God the Father may exhibit some characteristics like the Prodigal's father the main point of the parable is actually the negative response of the older brother. While not without some strong points Broken suffers from a lack of theological depth and from bare neglect of the saving message of Jesus Christ. The gospel (and that is theology) is the foundation for our healing. Understanding who we are and what God has done through Christ is the basis for our continuing on with life even though our parent(s) have forsaken us. What the gospel shows is that in-spite of ourselves God still loves us and sent his own Son to take our place and he extended all his judgment which we deserved upon his blessed Son. That is the gospel and that gospel is the foundation for taking Broken people and making them whole again.